Something that I run across regularly is parental pressure. This generally occurs from 2 locations, outside forces and internal pressure from the parents themselves. I have been extremely fortunate in working with families who have very complex children. These complexities amplify the typical pressures that are exerted on parents. The pressure that says you must breastfeed your child, you must engage your child all day, your child must meet developmental milestones on time, your child must sleep a certain way, you must give birth a certain way…. Although the intent of these ideas is not coming from a place of malintent it does cause undue pressures on parents who already feel deeply responsible for anything that hasn’t happened according to the books. In everyone of my initial conversations with parents, I can hear this. As a provider in the home, one of my first priorities is to decrease this anxiety, stress and guilt.
Let’s talk about why parents feel this way.
Recently in a conversation I had, I spent time talking to the parent about how they did nothing wrong, they are doing everything right and we just need to meet their child where they are. Children are who they are. Yes there are definite times that undo harm can be done to a child that is parental responsibility but this is not what I am addressing here. I am talking about all the messaging that exists and is pushed onto parents daily. Social media is one of the main culprits. As someone who is extremely well versed in infant and toddler development I can tell you that there are ranges for everything. Children are not all round pegs. They are all different shapes and they fit into their own hole. We should not spend time pressing parents to do it one way or another for the sake of being a round peg.
Some of the pressure culprits
I want to give you some very innocent examples of why parents feel this way. The messaging around breast feeding for example. YES - breast is best, but it is not the only way. People have feelings about breastfeeding and that is ok. Your feelings are valid whatever they are. BUT they are just that…. YOURS. When babies/mothers fail in breast feeding it is devastating for them. They wanted to breastfeed but for some reason it just didn’t work. Does that mean the child will not develop and progress appropriately? Absolutely NOT! A parent may have a medical condition or unable to produce milk or just not want to breastfeed. All of these reasons exist and should not cause additional pressure or stress. The pressure the parents put on themselves is enough. I help parents feed their child however they want. That is what the goal should be. Feeding a child should be an opportunity for bonding whether it is breast or bottle, breast milk or formula. Nutrition is what allows the child to grow and develop. Whatever the reason, there should be no additional pressure on the parent. The messaging however has created this extra layer of stress.
Mommy blogs and developmental websites are another stressor. First up on my overanxious parents to-do list is to delete it all. I know… here I am writing a blog and telling you to delete it, but the difference is I am not trying to sway you one way or the other. That is not my job. My job is to help you determine your goals, what should be happening developmentally with your child and figuring out how we move forward, no judgment or pressure. It needs to just be part of things already happening. Not extra work. The mommy blogs are not all bad but for those parents who feel they have failed, those blogs just make them feel like a bigger failure. Developmental websites are full of all the things the child should be doing. Your child happens not to be doing it. Now you feel extreme pressure to figure out if your child is behind. For those who have kids who may never meet those milestones it’s devastating. Mommy blogs and developmental websites are wonderful in many ways. They are not meant to apply pressure to parents, but they still do.
My underlying message is this: Children grow and develop at their own pace. Some children take the highway and some take the back roads. It is just their way. We should meet our children where they are and move from there. We should meet parents where they are and move from there. Your journey is unique and special and we should all respect that. I enjoy being on journeys with parents and their children. I am simply a rider, not the conductor.
Where to find help if you need it
If you have concerns about something related to your child's development or health, always ask your pediatrician right away. Do not delay. You know your child best. Listen to yourself. You are the expert. I just ask that you listen to your own gut first and not rely on external pressures to feel you must do things a certain way. Early Intervention services are available in every state. Reach out if you are concerned. Use online resources to help you not to pressure you.
Good Luck parents! From an ally who hears you and sees your struggle.
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