Overusing the Word No
As parents one of the things we do too much and too often is to say no. Our kids hear no all day long. They ask for something and our response is often no. So what does that do to our little ones? How does that impact their response to no? How many tantrums and protests are unnecessarily created?
Why does No elicit such a dramatic reaction?
There are quick, simple and effective ways to help our kids avoid breakdowns, tantrums and other protests. When we say no we take away what they consider to be power. Children have very limited control in their life. Some of those control points are eating, getting dressed, wanting particular color choices for items etc. Many times we create a bigger struggle by not allowing them to be heard in these moments.
As we use the word “no '' too frequently it loses its power. We may not even follow through which is an even bigger problem for our little ones who are testing boundaries. Do not get me wrong, I definitely say no, but I try hard to make it a negotiated yes. There are many ways to shift the no to a yes and make it more effective. What that doesn’t mean is you not giving boundaries or you not being in charge of the decisions.
Choice of Two
There are many ways to engage toddlers in their daily routines while allowing them to be more independent. We can use a choice of two. This could look like, “Would you like to wear this shirt or that shirt? Would you like the blue cup or pink cup?”. Choices allow the child to feel in control while the actual control lies with the parent. We see almost immediate improvement in decreasing protests with choice of two. Choices help move your toddler towards independence in a safe way.
First/Then
Another strategy is a First/Then approach. In this approach we might say to the child, ”First we are going to eat lunch and then we will go outside. First we will get dressed then we will go to the park.”. Using a first then approach helps your toddler understand what is coming next and puts them back at ease. We often quickly change activities with our children because we know what is coming next but we fail to let them know. This can cause stress and in turn protests or tantrums in our toddlers.
Timers and Verbal Warnings
Additionally, preparing children for these upcoming transitions can be beneficial. Oftentimes we can use first/then language along with a timer or verbal warnings that the time is coming for the change. Some children really need this additional step to prepare for transitions. Setting a timer with a bell sound at the end or other sound is another way to alert the child and prepare them that a change is coming. You can also give a verbal warning, for example, 2 more minutes. At first this is not meaningful but eventually through experience your child will associate the bells or verbal warnings with a change in activity/transition.
A Different way to say No
One last idea, I was very quick to say no early in my children’s life. For example my son told me he wanted to chase the birds and of course my response was no. My mom is the wise grandma to 11…. She told me there was no reason for me to say “no” in this case. He was never going to catch that bird. She was right and that was the beginning of me using no sparingly and using “stop” for big infractions. I use the word “stop” along with a gesture to make it more powerful. This includes tone. Using a shift in the word, gesture and stern tone helps children to understand that this is a serious issue. I only used this for big issues such as touching the stove, not holding a hand in a parking lot or biting as some examples.
Simple changes we make to our words and approaches as we interact with our toddlers will make a big impact on how they respond. In turn you should see less tantrums or protests during your daily routines and activities.
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